10 Ways to Fix the Brickyard 400
With another snooze-inducing Brickyard 400 in the books I asked you, my dear Twitter followers, to submit your suggestions on how to add some excitement back into the event.
Some of you had ideas like reducing downforce, softer tires, etc. Sure, those might work, but I am more interested in ideas guaranteed to work, like these:
10. Run the Nationwide Series race at the same time as the Sprint Cup race. But have the NNS cars go clockwise.
9. Have a standing start. On top of that huge Hot Wheels ramp that Tanner Foust jumped at the Indy 500 a couple of years ago.
8. Lock Jimmie Johnson in the storage closet in the basement of the IMS Museum with only a paperclip and roll of duct tape and see how many laps it takes for him to get out.
7. Put Jacques Villeneuve in whatever car is supposed to start directly behind Danica Patrick.
6. Put John Wes Townley and Scott Lagasse, Jr. on the front row. First driver through the inevitable Turn 1 wreck wins.
5. Have Larry McRyenolds and Jeff Hammond try to say “it’s a new track record” at the same time during every qualifying attempt.
4. Aerial bombs every hour on the hour directly above the motorcoach lot the night prior to the race. Might not improve the race, but would make Twitter fun the night before.
3. Plant corn for miles and miles in every direction around the track. Eldora was exciting for this very reason.
2. Run the race with winged sprint cars. Not only would it be exciting, Tony Stewart would undoubtedly flip and then curse like a sailor, likely calling at least one of his teammates an expletive, in his post-crash interview.
1. Move me, the pit commitment cone, to the middle of the “Yard of Bricks” at random times and watch the field scatter as they try to avoid me at 200 miles per hour.
Next up, the “Tricky Triangle” of Pocono Raceway. If you play any drinking games during your NASCAR Sundays, I hope you don’t die from alcohol poisoning as that will surely be the phrase that pays.
Drop me a tweet sometime @TheOrangeCone. I have to run, Angela Cope is here for brunch. Smell ya later, broseph.